It's been a while and I have ever so much on my mind to write about.

It's two o clock in the morning, and I'm not tired in the least bit.
Well, maybe just a little.

It's been a rough while since my last entry, trying to figure out where my life is going, and what I am doing with it.

I think I have it figured out.

Jeff McMenamin. I owe you for this.

See, my good friend Jeff has lived a pretty relaxed lifestyle, just living life for the way it is, and never really cared much for a relationship. He just sits back and enjoys life for the way it is.

I need that kind of lifestyle.

I need to be able to go ahead and relax and not worry about who likes me and who doesn't. For the most part I don't already. I'm a pretty easy going person, but when it comes to a girl, I always tend to care too much whether or not they like me. With Jeff's mentality, it's about living your life not worrying about it.

I need to get a job, a car, my license, a place to stay.

Life outside of high school is going to be difficult, but I'll survive.

I've survived worse.

And with that. I leave. =)

For once... I'm not listening to music while making an entry, but that's probably because I'm depresssed as hell and it's 5 in the morning.

I don't know where to begin with this one.....

For those of you that think I just want pity, I'll have you know that I only usually write in this thing for one person, and seemings as how this entry is based around the one and only person that reads my site, I'm not doing this for your pity. I just want to get my thoughts out there...

I can't believe that it happened. It finally happened. I hoped it wouldn't and it happened.

Kelley went to a party and cheated on me, and I feel so betrayed. It's not only because of the fact that she did it, it's just because of the fact that she lied to me for a week about it and just came out about it now. I asked her many times, and she just told me nothing happened, and I feel so weak right now, my body's shaking and I'm tired beyond all belief. I just want life to get better.

The thing of it is, though, is that even after all of this, I still want her. I still love her. I don't know why because every other girl that has ever cheated on me I left in a heartbeat, but Kelley seems different.

I just hope she wants me too.

She claims to not have known what she was doing, and was "caught up in the moment" but I ask myself "Well if she was caught up in the moment, what prevents her from being caught up the moment with any other guy that she might just be hanging out with"? I don't want to spend my relationship with her worrying about whether or not she's cheating on me and who she's with and what she's doing with them. I don't want to live in fear. I want to trust her. At the same time however, I don't want to leave her, because she's the one thing that has made me happy this past year.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

What irritates me is that I asked her to go ahead and do me one favor, to not talk to the guy who she cheated on me with (who will remain nameless, the people who need to know, know.), and she can't even do the decency of going ahead and doing the one thing. Everyone that I asked said that is a pretty reasonable demand, I mean would you want someone you're going out with talking to someone they cheated on you with?

Then she lied to me about not talking to him, and sat there and told him everything that I was saying to her, making me out to be the bad person in all of this to both her parents and this other guy.

I love her but she's making it so hard for me to love her.

I can't look at her picture, yet alone say or hear her name without getting sick of the fact of thinking about her in this other guy's arms, and I don't know what to do with myself.

What makes this even worse is the fact that I spend all that money, selling my Xbox 360 and half of my other possessions,and rearranging everything in my life to take her to prom with me, and then she goes and repays me like this.... I feel so useless. I feel so unwanted. I feel so used.

I'm honest-to-God heartbroken, for the first time in my life.

Every other breakup in my life compared to her cheating on me is nothing, like little scrapes compared to a huge gash in my heart.

Kelley, I need to know the truth. That's all I've ever asked from you. For the truth.
I need to know you're loyal to me, I believed you were, and then you broke my belief in you.
You broke my heart and my trust, and I still love you more then anything in the world.

You hold the decision now, do you want me or not?

Or do you want him.....

Your choice, choose wisely.
<3   -((-.-))-   </3